Every Part Of Me.

Maybe I will never be who I was before. Maybe I don't even know her anymore....

Do I sound depressed? haha, I promise I'm not. It's just every time I'm home it sucks. It's pretty much my life that sucks right now. In this post I'm going to get a little personal, please respect? I guess that's what I'm asking. Anyway lets begin.

I want to let everyone know that I love my parents a lot. They made me who I am today, the only problem is I lost that person. As of right now I'm not Ariel, I'm not the person I used to be. What I've noticed physically is I always look sad, and for some reason I have developed this stuttering problem. Maybe those things are because I really am not happy. My dad asks me everyday, "Ariel are you OK? Whats wrong." And I understand that he just wants to talk to me and all but I really don't know whats wrong. What I've noticed mentally is that I'm not all there. My mind is always on something else. And I can't cry anymore. Hahaha that sounds a little silly so let me explain.

Crying was my way of escaping my problems, trust me I used to cry A LOT! Like every day, not even kidding. And sometimes they were happy tears, other times it was sad or angry tears. But no matter what I never kept my emotions in I cried them out. One night after an event took place that I would rather not talk about, I told myself that crying at the drop of a hat wasn't going to work anymore, it was a sign that I was weak and that I let everything and everyone get to me so I told myself NO MORE. And since then, for 3 weeks I have not cried. I sorta can't anymore, it scares me a little because now I feel like I have so much inside of me that if I can't cry I might to something more harmful.

Anyway back to the story. My dad had a little visit from the grim reaper the other night and to tell you the truth it scared me because even as my dad drove to the hospital I was still not crying. My dad has a horrible disease that can kill someone if it isn't taken care of immediately. Well even though my dad had his near death experience (he's fine now I promise) I feel like he didn't learn from it and neither did I. This disease is in my genes as well but far less serious then my dads case, I've never had to go to the hospital because of it.

What I'm trying to get at is I've lost myself so much that I feel like if I don't find me again then I might be lost forever. I never used to swear as much as I have been, I never would look in the mirror and say "Wow Ariel, how about a little makeup, anything to cover up your face." I would never think about killing myself or anything dramatic but on occasion I don't want to live. That's when I have to think that God is the one person who will be there for me when no one else will He is always there. I used to hate the fact that my skin was covered in acne. I was ashamed and embarrassed, I mean none of my friends had this so why was I the only one. But I learned that I was the normal teenager, everyone gets a pimple in their life time. So what we have to deal with it. Even those big shot actors and actresses still get them, it's life we have to deal with it.

I've been reading Christa Black's blog and she has reminded me of so much that I thought I lost. She also has let me know that I'm not the only one that has had thoughts about things and she reminds me everyday that God is their and sometimes I have to run to Him when I need a little reassurance. I shouldn't run from God when I'm feeling lost or scared I should run to Him because he is the only one that will love me forever NO MATTER WHAT.

I spilled a lot in this blog. You learned a lot about me. Maybe I will do something like this often, like spill and vent. But to end on a happy note, I have two days until the Jonas Brother concert and I hope that I'll find a part of myself there. <3

-Ariel